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[AD] The Black Compass

by The Shopping Network

Chapter 1

Folks, gather close to the flickering glow of your battered television set,
because tonight The Shopping Network is proud, confused, and only mildly afraid
to present an item that has wandered through too many hands
to still be called a product.

Tonight’s special: The Black Compass.
Forged from star-glass. Tempered by a craftsman no one has ever met twice.
A perfect tool for those who crave the truth,
fear the truth,
or suspect the truth may be hiding behind the couch watching them breathe.

Hold it gently.
Speak your question aloud.
If the person before you lies,
the needle will spin.
Not a polite spin, mind you.
Not a “my, that’s curious” spin.
A frantic, hungry whirl,
as if the compass itself is trying to claw the falsehood out of the air.

Great for interrogations,
family gatherings,
second dates,
and long conversations with relatives who insist they “don’t know what happened to the last pie.”

Now, customers should be aware of minor medical side effects,
reported by a statistically significant number of users:

✦ Astral Drift:
A sensation of your consciousness slipping an inch to the left of your skull.
Often temporary.
Rarely permanent.
Almost never contagious.

✦ Cognitive Bloom:
An abrupt flowering of impossible thoughts,
including but not limited to:
remembering future events,
understanding languages no one speaks,
and knowing exactly who is standing behind you
before you turn around.

Symptoms may last anywhere from eight minutes
to the rest of your natural life.

But let’s focus on the positives:
The Black Compass does not lie.
It does not falter.
And it does not forget the first untruth spoken in its presence.
Some customers report the needle continues spinning
even after the liar leaves the room,
as if the air itself is confessing.

To order, simply dial the number drifting across your screen.
If you hear a voice whisper “truth,”
stay on the line.
If you hear your own voice whisper “run,”
we advise ignoring it.
No refunds, returns, or denials accepted.
The compass does not enjoy being contradicted.

Tune in next hour
when we showcase our newest arrival:
The Hourglass That Counts Backward
for all your “time behaved strangely” emergencies.