The Cosmic StarDuster!
($49.99)
Do you miss someone who vanished beneath the moon?
Do you hear whispers in the static, see faces in the glow?
With THE COSMIC STARDUSTER, you can reach across the veil, to those starbound indefinitely!
★ Designed by StarDuster Enterprise!
★ Capable of detecting soul-resonant frequencies from The Strangest Unknown!
★ Fully calibrated to align with The Watcher’s orbit
★ Includes one ethically sourced shard of star-glass
Whether you're chasing a lost love, decoding a dream, or simply longing to hear what the constellations thinks of you...
The Cosmic StarDuster is your key.
The Stars, The River, and Her.
Limited Edition “Prairie and River” 2xLP Vinyl by Patrick Granger
$42.99
(This is a limited edition vinyl. Limit 2 per customer.)
From the man who once gave the world the wildfire anthem “The Prairie”, comes a vinyl pressed in grief, dust, and starlight. View the tracklist here.
★ Features 11 tracks pulled from the life of Patrick and his love for Helena
★ Includes the haunting ballad “Star No. 2 (Helena)”, banned from radio in three towns
★ Engineered with analog warmth and strange interference. Some say you can hear her voice between the grooves
“It doesn’t sound like music. It sounds like someone trying to hold the night together with a guitar string.”
- KRFP 90.3 FM
2xLP 12” limited edition “Prairie and River” Vinyl
The Hollow Ear!
Coming Soon
You’ve heard the stories, the voices beneath the forest floor, the hum in the hills, the choir no one admits to hearing.
Now, with The Hollow Ear, you can hear what others pretend not to.
★ Worn like a simple earpiece, tuned to subsoil frequencies
★ Captures low-band anomalies, ambient root-speak, and post-human reverb
★ Lightweight, discreet, and whisper-sensitive
★ Signal clarity improves at dusk or during light rainfall
"It didn’t just let me hear the woods. It let the woods hear me back."
- Field Reporter Marla Hensley
WARNING: Use may cause nausea, auditory hallucinations, or spontaneous weeping. Do NOT wear near buried sites, flower rings, or under Blood Moons.
Now transmitting in limited quantities.
Traditional Folklore Vol. I - XIII
$299.99
Across the centuries, whispers have turned to warnings, songs to silence. But the stories remain. Bound in bark, blood, and brittle memory, Traditional Folklore preserves the forgotten truths others dared to bury.
★ Includes all XIII forbidden tomes, originally penned by hollow scribes, wanderers, and those who did not return
★ Bound in midnight linen, each embossed with a unique sigil found carved into forest stone
★ Features annotated translations, burn-marked footnotes, and hand-copied field transcriptions
★ Special edition includes removable Map of Unfound Places and glow-in-the-dark index tabs for use in low-light clearings
★ Volume VII comes pre-sealed with red wax. Do NOT open unless instructed
“These books don’t just tell stories. They wait. And if you let them, they’ll remember your name.”
- Field archivist, presumed lost
Perfect for collectors, researchers, and those preparing for the final night.
The Crown of Glass (Literally)
$1,999.99
Ever stared up at the night sky, saw seven burning stars in perfect alignment, and thought: “I wish that was on my head.”
Well, wish granted.
Introducing THE CROWN OF GLASS™, now available as a literal, wearable, dangerously fragile headpiece.
★ Hand-blown by celestial artisans (who all mysteriously vanished after production)
★ Composed of five star-jagged glass points each representing a lost soul, or possibly a discontinued flavor of candle. The other two are on the base, just like the constellation.
★ Reflects starlight, moonlight, and inconvenient truths
Includes:
✔️ Padded carrying case lined with existential dread
✔️ Complimentary band-aids
✔️ Instruction scroll you can’t read unless you’ve “ascended”
“As soon as I put it on, I felt a sense of cosmic power. And then I sneezed and shattered fate.”
- Verified customer, currently in seven timelines
Not recommended for:
- Children
- Clumsy visionaries
- Anyone with a soft skull
Wearing it does not automatically make you starbound. But it helps.
Probably.
Limited Edition. Breaks easily. Warps destiny.
The Black Compass
$9.99
Ever been in a conversation and thought, “Hmm, that feels... off”?
Introducing The Black Compass, the world's first (and only) celestial lie detector forged in unknowable shadow.
★ Points True North (unless someone is lying, then it panics).
★ Spins violently when a lie is detected. Very violently.
★ Built-in ambient dread (non-removable).
★ Compact, portable, deeply cursed.
Comes with:
★ 1x Black Compass (contains zero known materials)
★ 1x velvet pouch that hums at night
★ 1x disclaimer you’re legally not allowed to read
“I asked it if I was lying to myself. It hasn’t stopped spinning.”
- S. W. ★★★★★
WARNING: Overuse may lead to mild disorientation, full psychological unraveling, or speaking in tongues. Prolonged exposure to untruths may cause the needle to enter an irreversible “truthless vortex.”
Your Very Own Star!
See Market Price*
Tired of roses? Want to give them something eternal?
Now you can name your very own star in the sky…and possibly doom a part of your soul to it forever!
With “The Watcher”-Approved Star Registry, your chosen star will:
★ Burn slightly brighter for exactly 13 nights
★ Echo your name if whispered to during a lunar eclipse
★ Be visible from select lakes, windows, and dreams
Includes:
★ Custom Naming Deed (sealed in starlight wax)
★ Constellation placement chart
★ A small, tasteful warning about soul tethering
Popular naming options:
✔️ “I’m Sorry”
✔️ “Not Again”
✔️ “Helena, Please”
✔️ “Mine (For Now)”
“I named a star after my dog. Now she talks to me in my sleep. I don’t even have a dog.”
- Enthusiastic Owner, regrettably luminous
WARNING: Naming a star may create a spiritual anchor. Side effects include:
- Visions of strangers crying
- Hearing voices in metallic objects
- Spontaneous poetic urges
- Dissociation during thunderstorms
* Market Price varies depending on season, location, and life insurance
